Halloween, Irvine Style

My friend Jon Lagerquist and I have been discussing Halloween. Via e-mail, we’ve been trying to figure out what Halloween in Irvine actually means. Does it really exist? I’m not sure. I have been living here for about 5 years and have yet to have a single trick-or-treater come to my door. I don’t even buy candy anymore.

We determined that Halloween was an approved Irvine event, but the stack of forms that one is required to fill out is daunting. There’s the costume approval, route approval with alternates and time frame, candy bag qualifaction, candy check procedure, process for pre-approving houses to stop at, wavers for early and late start times, trick auditions (and approved conditions to perform tricks), parent guardian or chaparone approval, requests to trick or treat without same, and so on.

And then, of course, if someone were to actually deny you candy and you wanted to “trick” them, you’d have to fill out a whole other set of forms, pay for additional insurance, and the list of tricks you’re allowed is pretty pathetic. I think the scariest tricks they allow in Irvine are:

  • leaving the homeowners property by cutting across the grass instead of walking carefully on the OSHA-approved lighted pathway
  • not saying “thank you” or “good night” when you leave
  • using such foul verbiage as “darn” or maybe even “shucks”
  • adding unapproved accessories to your costume without the proper permits, filled out in triplicate and notarized
  • crossing the street without holding hands and carefully looking both ways
  • derogatory comments about the homeowners association
  • and, for the truly daring trickster, making comments like “gee, I think that El Toro airport is gonna be a SWELL thing!”

By way of contrast, the list of approved tricks for Santa Ana reads a wee bit differently. Some popular Halloween tricks there include:

  • poppin’ a cap in someone’s ass
  • placing a lit M-1000 firecracker into or under the gas tank of someone’s 1976 Ford Pinto
  • the use of an any explosive device with a yield of one kiloton or less, especially when obtained from Mexico; this usually generates a friendly chuckle and response of “ay, gitano!”
  • lighting the offenders house, hair, car, grass, or small defenseless pet on fire

As you can see, here in Irvine we’re a daring bunch of rebels who know how to get down an play dirty if you don’t give us candy. So watch out.


Get the latest posts delivered to your mailbox: